


go big or go home

by montecarlos



Category: Formula E RPF
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, The Drift (Pacific Rim)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-24 02:53:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15620937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/montecarlos/pseuds/montecarlos
Summary: He is well known, due to his story, the one that seems to possess some level of disbelief. The drifting process has been interrupted and severed numerous times over the years that the Jaeger program has been in operation. Nobody had managed to control the Jaeger for more than one minute on their own. Jev had managed it for ten minutes. He’s a man who should be dead, or at least catastrophically brain damaged from the effects of piloting the Jaeger alone. “Yes, that Jean-Eric Vergne,”(a Pacific Rim au)





	go big or go home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ttired](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ttired/gifts).



> A big thank you to Rae, Jasmine, Susanne, Ailisha and everyone else who pushed me to create this monster. I love you all dearly. The italics are mostly Jev's memories with Sam. A knowledge of Pacific Rim ISN'T essential. 
> 
> For the lovely Boz - I hope this 12k 'kaiju' of a fic is to your liking. Much love and enjoy! :)

_In 2002, an interdimensional portal known as the Breach opened at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. This allowed giant monsters, called the ‘Kaiju’ by humanity to walk the earth, leaving destruction and devastation across the continents. Humanity tried a number of methods to protect themselves, including construction of enormous sea-walls to keep the beasts out.  
  
However, the most effective measure was the Jaeger programme. The Jaegers are enormous robotic machines that are able to battle and attack the Kaiju. They must be piloted by two or more people, who are mentally linked in a process called "Drifting", to share the mental stress of piloting the machine.  
  
_ _\--History of the Kaiju, 2023  
_ _  
_

* * *

_There’s a scream, his pale hands grasping out for the ghost of another. Terrified blue eyes, lips curving around the pleas not to let go. There’s blood on his eyebrow, spreading down over his face, bright against the ivory of his face, barely visible in the darkness._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Jean!” He screams, his cries cutting through the rain as his hand slips away, as his body falls into the darkness, disappearing as the Kaiju’s roar rips through the air-_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Sam!” Jev collapses onto the floor, pain ripping through him as the connection breaks, electric sparks still burn his skin but he doesn’t care. “Sam!” His hand closes around the dog tags that he’d managed to rip from Sam’s neck - one of them missing.  
_  
“Jev!” A voice pulls him back from the void, a firm hand on his shoulder. He wrenches upright, ignoring the comfort of the hand. Sweat covers his brow as his fingers fist into the sheets. He swallows back the tightness of his chest, taking in large gulps of air as he glances at his surroundings. Concerned brown eyes - _not blue_ \- look down at him. Lucas looks at him in concern, his hand still squeezing Jev’s shoulder.  
  
“You were screaming.” Lucas says softly. “Were you dreaming of-”  
  
“I’m fine. It was nothing,” Jev snaps back, feeling the pain clench inside his chest at the thought of Sam, of how terrified he looked in those last moments, of the pain that ripped through his body as he was torn away from Sam’s mind-  
  
“Jean-”  
  
“ _Don’t._ Nobody can call me that, not since him,” Jev says, shivering as the sweat on his skin dries. He can feel the stickiness of his eyes, the tears that he hadn’t realised had fallen during his sleep. His hand closes around the dog tags, Sam’s dog tags, the cool metal resting against his chest and slowly breathes out.  
  
“You have to see someone. You can’t keep doing this. Heidfeld will never let you back onto the field in the state you’re in-”  
  
“Maybe I don’t want to be!” Jev shouts, anger bubbling over every pore. “I lost part of myself that day. I feel him die and there was nothing I could do about it! You wouldn’t understand-” He pauses as he glances down at the white scars that litter his best friend’s chest, the ones that curve down his arms and across his knuckles.  
  
“I wouldn’t understand? We’ve all lost people we love in this war, Jev.” Lucas mumbles, his knuckles curving into the fist. The white scars pale further against his tanned skin. “You’re not the only one who felt the connection break,”  
  
Jev remembers that night as vividly as the one he lost Sam. Lucas and his drifting partner, Loic had gone out to dispose of a particular nasty category II Kaiju, but another had emerged from the Breach as they’d been battling the first. The Jaeger was damaged and both men were exhausted, muscles aching from the previous fight. This Kaiju - a category III one - slammed their Jaeger to the ground, destroying many of its critical systems. Lucas, like Jev, never spoke of what happened after that. He was found in the ruins of the nearly-destroyed Jaeger, catatonic, covered in Loic’s blood.  
  
“I know you miss him, just as I miss Loic,” Lucas’s voice cuts through Jev’s thoughts. “But he wouldn’t want you to live your life this way,”  
  
“You don’t know what he’d want for me, Lucas,” Jev says, shaking his head, feeling the tears build up once more. “How could you possibly know what he would want for me? He’s _dead_ . He left me!”  
  
He feels the sobs tear through his chest, pain erupting over every nerve ending as he thinks about Sam, about his partner, about the man he loved more than life itself. Lucas’s arms are warm around him, but they’re not comforting, not like Sam’s were.

* * *

   
“Tokyo is close to falling. The sea walls your governments said would protect the people aren’t doing their job. It’s only a matter of time before the Kaijus breach them,”  
  
“I told you before, Commander Heidfeld. We cannot afford to fund the Jaeger programme any longer. They’re not as effective as they once were,”  
  
“So we condemn the people of Tokyo to death, is that how you suggest we proceed, Agag?”  
  
“Sacrifice is sometimes necessary,” Agag replies, looking up at Heidfeld with darkened eyes. “We can’t afford to keep building machines for category III kaijus to destroy them,”  
  
“We only have six left,” Heidfeld argues. “That’s not enough to protect our borders from this threat, Agag, and you know it,”  
  
“The answer is still no, Heidfeld. We will continue to fortify the sea walls,”

* * *

  
Jev finds Lucas in the training room later that evening, covered in sweat, teeth clenched as his taped fists pound the bag over and over again, pained sighs ripping from his lips. Lucas has been out of commission later than he has as a result of the mental stress of losing Loic, but he still trains everyday to keep himself ready. Jev finds himself watching the older man, watching the emotions spread across his face - anger, hurt, frustration - the white scars spreading over his arms and chest illuminated in the dim light.  
  
His thoughts turn to the first time he laid eyes on Sam in this very training room. He didn’t think much of him at first - Heidfeld had hyped up this new hope from England who had aced all of the tests. Jev watches him in the training room. This short, seemingly harmless British boy stalks around his opponent, icy blue eyes trained on his every move.  
  
_“I hear he’s lethal,” Lucas says quietly as they both watch the shorter blonde man as he moves in, his fists clenched around a bō staff. “One of the best they got from England. Aptitude scores are higher than yours,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Jev scoffs. “I highly doubt that,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _However, as the words roll off his tongue, the blonde lunges forward, catching the hit aimed at his midsection. The sound of the staffs hitting one another is the only sound that rips through the air. Jev watches his technique carefully, as he deflects blow after blow. He’s waiting, Jev realises, waiting for the other to become fatigued then he can strike - his opponent doesn’t realise this though. He continues to attack the blonde, his staff hitting nothing but thin air and occasionally the staff of the other._ _  
_ _  
_ _Jev can see the opponent of the blonde slowly begin to fade, his aim isn’t as precise as before. He’s slowly, his movements are sloppy - and that’s when the blonde strikes. He attacks with precision, every hit making its mark. He’s good. He’s really good. Jev raises his eyebrow as the blonde as he angles his staff just right to send his opponent toppling to the floor._ _  
_ _  
_ _This could be interesting._ _  
_ _  
_ “Jev,” Lucas’s voice calls out and Jev glances up to see his best friend standing in front of him. Lucas looks tired, the skin under his eyes is dark, like he hasn’t been sleeping and he’s covered in a thin sheen of sweat. He holds out the bō staff - the weapon that hasn’t been in Jev’s hands since Sam -  
  
Jev shakes his head.  
  
“No, you know I can’t,”  
  
The bō staff was _their_ weapon of choice, the one they both used to duel with one another. It feels wrong to pick it up again. He’s tried but the wood had felt too heavy in his hands, thoughts of Sam’s terrified eyes had plagued him.  
  
“Jev, you know you can’t hide from this forever. Sam would want you to move on,”  
  
Jev snarls, pushing the bō staff away from his grasp. “What would you know about what Sam wanted?”  
  
“I know he wouldn’t want you rotting away, Jev,” Lucas’s voice is soft, trying to comfort but Jev ignores it, anger bubbling up inside his chest.  
  
“If he were here, he’d understand that I want time on my own,” Jev snaps, pushing a hand through his hair. “He’d understand if he was here-” The tears start to build up once more. “If he didn’t leave-”  
  
“Jev-” Lucas’s words are a mere whisper.  
  
“I’m fine,” Jev mutters, turning on his heel and walking away.  
  
Only he’s not okay. He’s not been okay for a year now - ever since he lost Sam, he’s spiralled into sleepless nights grasping onto empty sheets, screaming out Sam’s name as he dreams. Heidfeld practically forced him into retirement after the incident, signed him off active duty when he trained until his knuckles bled. He remembers the older man finding him, leaning against the bag. There was sweat and tears running down his face, the  blood shone brightly against the bag, a contrast to the darker leather.  
  
_“Vergne, what are you doing down here?” Heidfeld’s voice is a little softer than his usual commanding tone. “I told you that you’re dismissed-”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Couldn’t sleep,” Jev says thickly, his hand curling into a fist to give the bag a half-hearted jab. “Figured I’d train instead,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“You have been relieved off duty for at least three months, Vergne. You have to give yourself time to heal,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I’m fine, sir,” Jev mutters, glancing down at the blood-stained bag. “I just need to keep busy,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“You refused psychology’s help to deal with your loss, Vergne. It’s mandatory for everyone to-”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I don’t need some psych telling me everything’s going to be alright. I just need to get back on the field,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“You can’t go back onto active duty until you’ve passed your psych evaluation, Vergne. And I’m sure-” He pauses, glancing at the bag. “That you’d fail right now,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I’m dealing with it, Sir,” Jev snaps._ _  
_ _  
_ _“You’ve been to hell and back, Vergne. You’re lucky to be alive. When that Kaiju ripped your Jaeger apart, you took on the mental load all by yourself. Most people would be catatonic-”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I’m not most people,” Jev says, straightening his shoulders._ _  
_ _  
_ _Heidfeld sighs. “Doesn’t matter. I’m not sending you back into the field until you’ve passed your psych and you’ve stopped punching that bag until your knuckles split,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“But, Sir-”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“My decision, Vergne, is final.” Heidfeld mutters, glancing at Jev’s bloodied hands. “And make sure you clean those up,” he says quietly before he leaves the room. He sighs heavily as he hears repeated punches against the bag once more, mixing in with painful cries._ _  
_ _  
_

* * *

_  
_ “Commander Heidfeld. A Category III kaiju has managed to climb through the Breach. Tokyo’s wall won’t survive another attack,”  
  
Heidfeld sighs heavily. “I warned them this might happen,” He glances at Lucas, who has turned pale with fear, the bruises under his eyes standing out vividly. “Tell Prost and Senna to suit up,”  
  
“But Sir-”  
  
“Just do it, Di Grassi! We won’t have much of Tokyo left to protect at this rate!” Heidfeld slams his fist on the desk.  
  
“Very well, Sir,” Lucas says. “I’ll inform them immediately. Da Costa and Frijns are out on a mission too, could they assist at all?”  
  
“They have to stay on mission. Senna and Prost can handle this,” Heidfeld says, glancing at the illuminated holographic map in front of him. “They’ve handled worst,”

* * *

  
They had handled worse - but not with dangerously low supplies and mental exhaustion. Heidfeld feels his heart turn to ice at the sound of Nico’s scream through the telecoms. The sound of wires rupturing, of heavy rain hitting the panels of the sheet titanium, of the kaiju’s roar all eclipsed by the sound of Nico’s pleas.  
  
“Bruno, please stay with me, please-”  
  
Heidfeld wiped away the tears before they had time to fall down his face before he’s on the comms demanding a report from Nico.  
  
Nico’s voice is tearful and husky. “Bruno’s in a bad way, we need back up,” He pauses for a moment. “Hang in there, Bruno, it’s okay-” He whimpers.  
  
The comms cut out a minute later.

* * *

  
Everyone is on hand when Bruno and Nico finally make it back to the base, pulled from the wreckage of their wrecked Jaeger by Robin and Ant. Jev watches as Bruno is carried into the medical wing, blood splattering his face, his eyes closed. He looks broken, smaller than he usually does - not like the fun loving Brazilian that Jev is used to catching up with in the training room. Nico is wheeled in shortly afterwards, sheets underneath his pale skin thick with blood, his lithe form unmoving. Jev bites down on his lip and the metallic tang of blood floods his mouth at the sight of the two men, so closely connected, so together. He glances at Heidfeld, his face grave and pale as Lucas leans in to whisper to him. The two men disappear away from the corridor, Lucas shooting Jev a glance out of the corner of his eye.  
  
“Yes, Sir, I understand,” Heidfeld says quietly into the phone. “No, no, I just- very well,” He straightens up as Lucas and Jev enter his office, looking confused. They watch on in silence as Heidfeld slams the phone down, swearing under his breath.  
  
“They’re not happy with how I’ve been running the programme,”  
  
“What does that mean?” Jev asks, looking confused.  
  
“It means…. They’ve sent an envoy to replace me,” Heidfeld says through gritted teeth.

* * *

  
A few days later, they hear nothing about the supposed envoy that is coming from Berlin. Heidfeld is more insufferable than ever - snapping at everyone who dares to look in his general direction. Bruno woke up yesterday, his eyes snapping open as he called out Nico’s name. The Frenchman was at his bedside almost immediately, tears falling down his cheeks as Bruno found his way into his arms. Jev had watched the pair carefully, at the tears streaking down their faces, Bruno’s hands curled into Nico’s three day old shirt still covered in blood and stale sweat.  
  
Jev feels the tears fall down his cheeks as he watches the pair - Bruno’s dark hair morphs into messy blonde, his dark hazel eyes melt into light blue. Jev watches in horror as Nico himself grows taller, his hair a touch longer, as he changes into Jev himself holding onto Sam - but Sam doesn’t cry back, doesn’t hold onto Jev - just lays slumped into his arms, unmoving. Jev feels himself gasp, blinking slowly as the visage of himself and Sam melt away.

He retreats to the training room after that, trained until his fingers were wet with blood, anything to get the thoughts of Sam out of his mind.  
  
_“Hey, I’m Sam.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I’m Jean-Eric,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“That’s a bit of a mouthful,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I think I’ll call you Jean, since everyone calls you Jev,”_ _  
_  
_“Just go, Jean - just save yourself!”_  
  
Anything to forget those last moments. He slams his fists into the punching bag again, tears falling down his cheeks.  
  
“You know that never replaces mental pain,” A voice pipes up from the darkness.  
  
“Yeah?” Jev snarls, his head hitting the hard leather of the bag. “What would you know about mental pain huh?”   
  
“More than you think,” The voice says again - it’s one that Jev has never heard before, he can’t place where the accent is from.  
  
He frowns, glancing back into the shadows. “I highly doubt that,”  
  
The man laughs lightly. “Enough to know that you’ve been here for twenty minutes and that your knuckles have split and they’re hurting more than you’re letting on,”  
  
Jev tightens his hand into a fist and feels the pull of the tendons underneath his skin. “Sometimes we have to get rid of the mental pain,”  
  
“It’s not always the answer, it can make us stronger,” The man finally steps out of the shadows. Jev feels his brow furrow at the sight of the stranger - he’s tall with dark hair that silvers at the temples and a smile curves over his thin lips.  
  
“I suppose,” Jev sniffs. “I haven’t seen you around here before,” He watches the man carefully, notes the bright blue eyes that flicker over his bloodied fists.  
  
“André,” The man states, staring back at Jev. “And you are?”  
  
“Jean-Eric Vergne,” He ignores the slight flicker of recognition in the man’s face. He is well known, due to his story, the one that seems to possess some level of disbelief. The drifting process has been interrupted and severed numerous times over the years that the Jaeger program has been in operation. Nobody had managed to control the Jaeger for more than one minute on their own. Jev had managed it for ten minutes. He’s a man who should be dead, or at least catastrophically brain damaged from the effects of piloting the Jaeger alone. “Yes, that Jean-Eric Vergne,”  
  
“Bit of a mouthful,” André says with a smile. “Maybe I’ll call you Jean?”  
  
Jev flinches. “No,” He says thickly. “Jev is fine,”  
  
“Fair enough, Jev,” André teases as he brushes past Jev to scoop up a bō staff. Jev’s chest tightens at the sight of André’s long pale fingers curling around the smooth wood.  
  
“I’ve heard some things about you,” André continues, fist tightening around the staff.  
  
“Good things, I hope,” Jev says quietly, eyes still fixed on André as he begins to spin the staff around between his palms. “What are you doing?”  
  
“What’s the use in training alone?” There’s a flash of something in André’s eyes. “Better to train against someone,”  
  
“I don’t-” Jev begins only for the bō staff to scythe through the air a few inches from his face. André smiles at the shock on Jev’s face. The sound whistles through the Frenchman’s ears for a moment, the wood hitting the side of the bag behind him. He knows he shouldn’t pick up a bō staff, he hasn’t for a year - not since the last time he and Sam were in here -  
  
“I know you’re better than this, Vergne,”  
  
André’s teasing and Jev knows it. The other man lunges forward with his bō staff and Jev ducks out of the way, snatching up the nearest weapon to hand - another bō staff. He swallows back the lump that is building in his throat, his fingers ghosting over the hard wood, as he spins around on his heel. The echo of wood hitting wood echoes through the training room. Jev grits his teeth as André smirks, moving in for another strike.    
  
Jev deflects it easily, sidesteps and moves in for his own attack. His blow is caught by André, who pushes back with his own. The only sound is that of their ragged breathing and the wood staffs hitting one another. Jev feels the bead of sweat trickle down his temple as he dodges another swipe from André - they’re evenly matched, around a similar height and weight. André clearly has experienced, it’s clear from the way he moves and how he holds the staff like it’s an extension of his body.    
  
“You’ve done this before,” André says between hits, his eyes gleaming in the fading light of the training room. The smirk grows wider as Jev changes his tactics, aiming for a low hit which André avoids with ease.  
  
“So have you,” André mutters back, his shirt is beginning to cling to the muscles of his chest. His staff is blocked again by Jev who smiles at the attempt. It’s been a while since he’s sparred like this, felt this ignited by something. Lucas was the only one he sparred with in the last year, nobody else dared to ask. Sam had been his sparring partner for as long as he could remember, the only person he needed to fight with, to mirror every movement.  
  
_“C’mon, Jean. You’re going easy on me,” Sam’s blue eyes had shone brightly in the dim light as the bō staff had twirled expertedly through his hands. “I know you can do better,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Why would I go easy on you?” Jev had smirked back. “Now you’re just showing off,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“You know it,” Sam says, grinning. “Are you ready to get your arse kicked?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Never,” Jev replies, shaking his head._  
  
Jev gasps as his back hits the floor, André stands over him, the bō staff pressing against his neck, with a triumphant smile on his face. A touch of concern brushes over his expression for a moment as he lowers the bō staff away. “Should never let your guard down, Jev,” He says, the smile still playing on his lips.  
  
Jev blinks twice as André’s warm hand curls around his own, lingering for a moment. André pulls Jev to his feet before his eyes catch somebody watching in the doorway. Growing slightly pale, he moves his hand away from Jev’s, before grabbing a towel to swipe away at the sweat covering his face.  
  
“Nice session, Jev,” He says as he walks away.  
  
“You too,” Jev replies, his voice quiet and full of contemplation.

* * *

  
“Lotterer,” Heidfeld’s voice is like ice as he leans back in his chair, glancing at the newcomer with distaste. “When they said I was expecting an envoy, I certainly did not expect you,”  
  
“Now, now, Nicholas, I’m full of surprises. You know I prefer André,”  
  
“Not the only thing you prefer, is it?” Heidfeld says, crisply.  
  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Nicholas,” André’s tone is nonchalant. “I was merely sparring,” He continues, glancing down at his sweat-stained shirt, wrinkled from his earlier fight.  
  
“Stay away from Vergne, Lotterer. He’s best left alone. He has enough baggage to contend with,” Heidfeld surveys André with steely blue eyes.  
  
“Vergne.” André says quietly. “Is he the one? Sam Bird’s partner?”  
  
“Yes,” Heidfeld says quietly.  
  
“Remarkable how he survived that, and piloted the damn thing for so long afterwards,”  
  
“He’s out of field duty for the foreseeable future, won’t even consider a drift partnership with his best friend. He’s out of whatever plan you’re forming, Lotterer,”  
  
André smirks. “We will see, Heidfeld,”  
  
“I mean it, Lotterer. He’s a danger to himself. He went through so much physical and mental trauma, I don’t think he’ll ever pilot a Jaeger again,”  
  
“Even when the fate of the world rests in his hands?”  
  
“I think he’d rather join Sam,” Heidfeld says grimly, glancing down at the files covering his desk. “Will that be all for now, Lotterer?”  
  
“For now, Nicholas, yes.” André stands up, the chair legs groaning against the parquet flooring. Heidfeld is silent and unmoving for a moment, almost like a statue. André’s hand is just curling around the door handle when Heidfeld speaks up again.  
  
“Did he know that you’re the envoy?”  
  
André worries his lip. “No,” He turns to see Heidfeld with the ghost of a smile on his lips. “Not very perceptive is he?”  
  
“He’s one of the best, and you know that,”  
  
André wrenches the door open. He does know that.

* * *

  
_"I think we’re compatible,” Sam’s eyes rest on Jev, making him feel uneasy. “And Heidfeld has approved us to begin our drift training together,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I don’t think that’s a good idea-” Jev begins, worrying his lip._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Why not? We spar together, we spend all our time together. Our fighting styles mirror one another. Why don’t we take it to the next level?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I-”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Jean, why are you so hesitant?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Because I don’t think I can drift with anyone!” Jev spits out, his face reddening with shame. “Not even you!”_ _  
_ _  
_ Jev sighs heavily as he places the bō staff back into the storage unit, shaking the thoughts of Sam away. He feels sick - the nausea stretching across his lower abdomen - like he’s betrayed Sam in even picking up the weapon that was theirs, let alone spar with someone else. It took months for him to let Sam in - and this André guy had managed it in about ten minutes. He allows his fingers to clasp the dog tags, the warmth from his skin melting into the cold metal as he traces over Sam’s engraved name and details.  
  
“Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?” Lucas’s deep Brazilian accent booms out in the room.  
  
Jev’s hand tightens on the handle of the storage unit. “I don’t know what you mean,”  
  
“You had a bō staff,”  
  
“Just leave it, Lucas-”  
  
Lucas shakes his head. “This is a big deal. You haven’t practised with a bō staff since Sam-”  
  
“Exactly,”  
  
“Stop pushing me away!” Lucas finally snaps. “I left you to deal with it, but I’m tired of this now, Jev. I’m tired of you pushing me away because you can’t accept that he’s gone and he’s not coming back-” He’s silenced by Jev’s hand striking his face. The tell-tale metallic tang of blood bubbles up in his mouth as he pants heavily.  
  
Jev looks horrified at what he’s just done, his face paling as he surveys Lucas. “Lucas, I-”  
  
Lucas holds up a hand. “It’s fine,”  
  
“It’s not fine! I hit you!”  
  
Lucas wipes away the smear of blood. “Then let me help you, Jev. You’re falling apart and you’re the only one who doesn’t see it,”  
  
“It’s not that simple,”  
  
“Jev,” Lucas says, sighing. “I known you for years. I know your nature, you hate to ask for help. But you can’t go through this alone. Would you have let me go through that alone?”  
  
“Never,”  
  
“So why should you go through that alone? I know you’re still having nightmares about him,”  
  
Jev worries his lip. “I tried therapy. It didn’t work. Something about trauma, PTSD or something,”  
  
“Which won’t improve if you don’t talk about it. I’m not suggesting that it’s a magical cure but talking can help,”  
  
“I’ll think about it,” Jev says, glancing at Lucas’s lip, still bleeding sluggishly. “Sorry about your lip,”  
  
Lucas smiles, blood covering his teeth. “You’re just jealous of my good looks, Vergne, I get it,”  
  
“Fuck off di Grassi,” Jev says, smiling back. “I’ll punch you next time,”  
  
“Whatever you say, Vergne,”

* * *

  
André stands before the table, staring into the number of concerned faces. Heidfeld stands at his right, expression stony. “As some of you know, the elective Governments are not happy with the way that the Jaeger program is being run,”  
  
“You want to get rid of the Jaeger programme, you mean,” Bruno pipes up, still pale and battered from his encounter with the Kaiju.  It’s a miracle he’s away from Nico, still holed up in the infirmary. “You condemn Tokyo and the other major cities of the world to the monsters,”

“It’s not a case of-”  
  
“You government pen pushers,” A voice says, the words syrup-slow. “Always trying to sugarcoat reality. If you close it down, we might as well all order coffins now,” Jev pops out of the shadows, sliding into his seat.  
  
“Nice of you to join us Vergne,” Heidfeld says, a smile slightly playing on his lips as he watches the Frenchman.  
  
“Sorry, Sir. I was training and time got away from me. Imagine my surprise when Lucas told me I had already met our envoy,” His eyes flicker over to André. “So what bullshit excuses are they feeding us this time?”  
  
“Vergne-” Heidfeld begins.  
  
“No, no, let him speak,” André says, waving his hand as though in dismissal. “What bullshit are you referring to?”  
  
“Your government pretending that the sea walls offer the same level of protection as a Jaeger does. The kaijus have breached the walls at Shanghai four times, and guess who had to go in and sort everything out? Oh yes, it was us!” Jev says, leaning back on his chair.  
  
“The governments are aware of that-” André begins, only for Jev to cut him off again.  
  
“Oh, they’re aware of it, but it doesn’t stop them cutting the funding of the one thing that is keeping the kaijus from completely destroying Japan and the Pacific coast!”  
  
“Why do you care anyway, Vergne?” André snaps. “It’s not like you’re going to be back in a Jaeger anytime soon is it?”  
  
Silence sweeps over the table. André holds his gaze steady as Jev glares at him with hatred and anger darkening his blue eyes.  
  
“Fuck you, Lotterer,” He snarls, pushing back from the table and stalking away from the meeting.

* * *

  
Jev ends up going for a run, his head still spinning with André - no, Lotterer’s - words. When they sparred, he’d felt a connection, a connection he hadn’t felt in over a year. He sighs heavily, feeling the anger flare up inside his chest at the thought of Lotterer.  
  
He _hates him_ . He hates him for dragging Sam into the argument, for implying that he is weak. He knows he isn’t, he knows that - a sigh rips from his lips as his feet pound the asphalt.  
  
_“It’s not like you’re going to be back in a Jaeger anytime soon is it?”_  
  
He runs harder, he runs faster, ignoring the burn in his ankles. Sam’s face swims to the forefront of his mind, his blue eyes fixed on Jev.  
  
_They’d been a shift in their relationship after Jev’s refusal to consider drifting with Sam. They didn’t spar together and barely spoke outside of shared mealtimes. People began to notice - even Heidfeld who spent most of his time hidden away in his office. He’d pulled Jev into said office for an impromptu chat._ _  
_ _  
_ _Jev had slid into the chair and glared. “You gonna tell me what this was about?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I think you know,” Heidfeld had placed his fountain pen down and glanced at Jev, his eyes boring into the tall man. “I’ve known you since you were a little scrap of a teenager,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“There’s nothing wrong. I’m fine,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I heard that Sam asked you to become his drift partner?” Heidfeld looks down through his glasses, his expression neutral._ _  
_ _  
_ _“And you also heard that I said no,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Why would you say no, Vergne? He’s perfect for you,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Exactly. He makes me want to open up, to make me tell him all my secrets. I trust him.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“And why is that a bad thing?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“You know why,” Heidfeld says softly. “After everything that you’ve been through and everything he’s been through, I think you’d be well suited,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Jev grunts once, pushing away from the desk._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Just think about it, Vergne. You might not get another opportunity,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _You might not get another opportunity._ The words rattle through Jev’s mind as he pauses to stop against a tree, panting heavily, his clothes clinging to his sweat-covered body. His eyes rove over the steel-coloured sky, ominous rainclouds building like soldiers against the grey.    
  
He feels the rain before he sees it. The heavy raindrops pelt the asphalt, darkening the dark grey concrete and Jev turns his face towards the grey sky, feeling the drops bounce over his face and drown out his tears.  
  
He thinks about Sam, and for the first time, he cries for Sam.

* * *

  
Jev ends up sloping back to the headquarters just as dusk begins to creep in, his clothes soaked with water and his hair plastered to his head. His eyes are reddened from crying and he can feel the involuntary trembles from his body. Every inch of his body aches from overexertion, from the loss of Sam, it still cuts deep, knowing that he lost the other half of himself -  
  
“Can I speak to you, Vergne?” Lotterer’s voice echoes through the corridor. Jev spins on his heel with an insult ready to pull free of his lips, but notices the slight furrow of the taller man’s brow at the sight of him.  
  
“Not really, Lotterer. You may be my superior but I will still tell you to get fucked,” Jev sneers as he walks away, only to be hauled by a firm hand.  
  
“I deserved that, I know,” Lotterer says, staring into Jev’s eyes. “But we both know it’s true. You’re not ready to be back in a Jaeger,”  
  
“You wouldn’t know anything about that,” Jev says, wrenching his arm away.  
  
“I know more than you think, Jean.” Lotterer’s voice is quiet, his eyes expressive.  
  
“Don’t call me _that_ ever again,” Jev snarls.  
  
This time, Lotterer lets him walk away.

* * *

  
Jev watches through the glass windows that overlook the training room. Lotterer stands in the middle of the remaining Jaeger pilots - Antonio and Robin, Mitch and Alex, and Bruno holding up a still recovering Nico who has finally been released from the infirmary.  
  
Jev isn’t sure why Lotterer has them training. He’s here as an envoy - to prove that the Jaeger programme is ineffective and that Heidfeld’s leadership is subpar.  
  
“The kaiju have been sighted as far away from the breach as New York and London. The sea walls are holding but for how much longer? How much longer can our governments keep up this facade?” The newsreader declares in her brisk accent.  
  
“Until we’re all dead,” Jev says under his breath, his eyes fixed on Lotterer.  
  
Lotterer has wasted no time in ensuring that Jev stays as far away from the Jaeger programme as possible, wanting him to spar as little as possible. It’s almost as though he’s trying to showcase to Heidfeld that Jev is incapable, that he will never be fit to climb into a Jaeger again. He wouldn’t care - only he’s taken Lucas away and back into training. Jev’s eyes sweep over his best friend, currently battling both Antonio and Robin. He’s an excellent fighter - but he’s no match for the two pilots. They move in harmony, together, like he and Sam once did - like Lucas and Loic once did -  
  
“The Jaeger Programme is due to be closed down within the next month or so - but we have been assured by the UN that everything is in order and that we will be protected against the kaiju attacks, which have increased over the past few months-”  
  
“Again, because they’re killing us faster than they want to replace us,” Jev says under his breath, his eyes still fixed on Lotterer.  
  
Lotterer seems to notice the constant glare on him as he glances up, his eyes locking with Jev’s. He smirks once, holding his gaze before he turns his attention towards Bruno and Nico battling. Jev feels his cheeks heat up at Lotterer’s gaze, something twisting inside his stomach and lower abdomen before he pulls himself away.  
  
He feels useless - like he did when Sam was first ripped from him, lying in his hospital bed with minor cuts and scrapes, feeling like he was unable to do anything anymore. His hand closes around the dog tags, the one that he sometimes pictures covered in Sam’s blood, the only thing that comforts him when he wakes screaming from a nightmare is each tiny letter engraved into the metal.  
  
“You should apologise to him, you know,” Lucas’s deep voice snaps him out of his thoughts and he drops the tags almost immediately.  
  
Lucas looks apologetic for a moment. “I think he would let you train if you just swallowed your pride and said sorry,” He sits down by Jev’s side, glancing at him carefully.  
  
“I have nothing to be sorry for,” Jev says stiffly, his fingers feeling cold once more. “He’s the one who implied I am so fucked up I should never set foot in a machine ever again,”  
  
“He didn’t mean it that way, Jev-”  
  
“Oh great. Even my best friend is kissing the ass of some guy who wants to get us all killed-” Jev says, rolling his eyes.  
  
“He’s trying to help!” Lucas shouts, his face reddening in anger.  
  
“You and I have a different definition of the word help,” Jev says,  head banging against the wall.  
  
“Jev. don’t be like this,”  
  
“Like what? I’m not being like anything,”  
  
“Stop pushing me away. I know you miss Sam. I miss Loic too,”  
  
Jev stops for a moment, glancing at his best friend. Lucas moves closer, his eyes glassy. “I lost the person I cared about most, the person I loved the most. I get it. The hurt never goes away,”  
  
Jev nods once. “I just...I find myself forgetting things about him. I don’t want to forget him,”  
  
“I know you don’t,” Lucas’s hand moves to curl around Jev’s, warmth blossoming over his fingers. “And you won’t forget him,”  
  
“I hope so,” Jev whispers, closing his eyes as Lucas’s fingers brush against his own.  
  
“Am I interrupting something?” The voice of Lotterer cuts through the pair and Jev feels his eyes snap open. Lotterer is standing in front of them, his gaze fixed on their clasped hands.  
  
“No,” Jev says, keeping hold of Lucas’s hand. “Can I help you, _Sir_?”

“I wanted to speak to you,” Lotterer says, his eyes flickering to meet Jev’s. “In private,”

Lucas frowns but complies to the order, slipping away with a confused glance towards the two men. Jev stays where he is, still curled up against the wall. He avoids eye contact, not wanting to look at the older man. Silence settles between the pair, almost crushing.  
  
“I’m sorry, Vergne,” Lotterer finally shatters the silence. “I was out of order,”  
  
“You were.” Jev fiddles with the tags under his shirt. “I get it though,”  
  
Lotterer raises an eyebrow. “You do?”  
  
“You lost someone too. I can recognise the signs. You push people away, got yourself into a position of power so you didn’t have to get close to anyone.” Jev’s finger swipes over the cool metal of the tags still around his neck. “And I get that,”  
  
“My circumstances were different to yours,” Lotterer says quietly. “My drifting partner wasn’t killed,”  
  
Jev raises an eyebrow. He’d read the reports of Lotterer’s incident eight years ago - reports were a loose definition, the wording had been redacted enough to only show the basic facts - Lotterer and his partner Benoît Tréluyer were sent on a mission to contain a category II kaiju. Things didn’t go to plan. Lotterer never openly admitted what happened in the moments after the kaiju attack - it was all hidden beneath layers of story, that Benoît had died, that Lotterer had been dangerously close to death himself.  
  
“I thought he was-”  
  
“I was told to say that by the authorities. He suffered a fate worse than death - we were ripped apart when we were drifting and he ended up with catastrophic brain damage. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t walk, couldn’t do anything by himself,”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jev says quietly, trying to ignore the fact that Lotterer is speaking in past tense.   
  
“It’s not your fault.” Lotterer sighs. “I buried it, tried to pretend it didn’t happen. But then-"  
  
Jev bites his lip. Lotterer glances at him. “Sorry, sorry. I've said enough. I just think that it would have been kinder to let him go than have him like-” He says, his eyes glassy with unfallen tears.  
  
“I don’t know what’s worse,” Jev says quietly. “Not being able to say goodbye or having the person with you but they’re a shell of their former self,” His thumb rubs over the inscription of Sam’s name.  
  
Lotterer stares at his hands clasping over the tag. “I think they’re both awful fates to endure,”  
  
Jev can’t do anything but nod.

* * *

  
The kaijus don’t stop despite Lotterer assuming charge of the Jaeger programme. They continue their assault on Tokyo’s borders, the unassuming sea walls are no match for their large bodies, their sharp claws scraping over the concrete, their teeth cutting through the bricks like butter.  
  
Antonio and Robin are sent out to curb a problematic category II kaiju from completely breaching the wall and wiping out half of Japan’s capital. Alex and Mitch are placed on standby, in case of a second kaiju attack. But thankfully, they all managed to return to the compound unscathed. Jev watches as Antonio loops an arm around Robin’s waist, pulling him closer and he feels his chest ache at the sight. He remembers doing the same thing to Sam, anything to keep him close.  
  
_Might not get another opportunity._ _  
_ _  
_ _Jev thinks about Heidfeld’s words, thinks about all the hours he’s spent training, leading up to this moment - he always wanted to join the Jaeger programme since it was first formed. He remembers losing his mother in the first attacks by the Kaiju, the sound of her screams before she disappeared under the rubble. Her body was never recovered. Jev vowed that he would avenge her, that he could ensure that nobody else lost a parent the way he did. He glances in the mirror at himself, at the man he’s become. He’s not sure if his mother would be proud._ _  
_ _  
_ _He does trust Sam. He knows that Sam has had a hard life - that he’s an orphan, that nobody has ever been there for him. But Sam trusts him, Sam has opened up to him, has told him things that he’s not told anyone else._ _  
_ _  
_ _Jev pushes a hand through his hair. He knows the decision he needs to make. But why does it feel so difficult to do so?_ _  
_ _  
_ Jev’s hands moving to clasp at the dog tags around his neck does not go unnoticed by Lotterer.

* * *

  
Lotterer calls everyone for an emergency meeting later that night after Antonio and Robin’s successful encounter with the kaiju. Jev prepares himself for a speech about how the Jaeger programme needs to be shut down with immediate effect and that Tokyo’s walls will be fortified. However, Lotterer’s words are of the opposite.  
  
“It’s clear from the short time I’ve spent here that the sea walls aren’t working. We’re stretching the two healthy Jaeger teams to the limit here,”  
  
Jev feels his mouth fall open.  
  
Lotterer sighs heavily. “And I know I’ve been critical of the job you guys perform, but I was wrong. If it wasn’t for you, many of the cities along the Pacific Rim would be wiped out. But the government will not concede to building more Jaegers-”  
  
“Can’t you persuade them otherwise?” Nico pipes up, arms folded.  
  
“They won’t budge on the matter. But there is another way that we could stop the kaiju for good,”  
  
Silence falls on the room.  
  
“The governments of the Pacific Rim countries have been working on a nuclear weapon which is in the final stages of testing. It would destroy the Breach and with it, the kaiju would no longer exist within this dimension,”  
  
“This sounds like a great plan and all? But how would it even work?” Bruno asks, narrowing his eyes. Nico tightens his grip on the Brazilian’s hand.  
  
“A jaeger would be used to plant the nuclear weapon-” Lotterer pauses as the room erupts into angry shouts and murmurs.  
  
“So now the Jaegers are useful to do the government’s dirty work?”  
  
“They’ve been sitting on this nuclear weapon for how long?”  
  
“Enough,” Heidfeld calls out in a low tone, his face blank and emotionless. “We must let envoy Lotterer finish his no-doubt rousing end of speech,”  
  
Lotterer spares a glance towards the older man. “The Jaeger is the best way to implant the device in order for it to successfully destroy the Breach. It is a risky procedure of course-”  
  
“And your bosses expect one of our teams to basically embark on a suicide mission?” Robin pipes up from somewhere near the front, Antonio by his side.  
  
“Not any of you. Me.” Lotterer announces.  
  
“I don’t mean to offend you, Lotterer,” Heidfeld cuts in once more. “But it’s impossible for you to pilot a Jaeger on your own for more than a few minutes, unless you want to be permanently brain damaged by the time you get to the Breach?”  
  
“I don’t-”  
  
“Then you need a drifting partner,” Heidfeld declares.

* * *

  
The search for Lotterer’s drifting partner is almost instantaneous. Word gets out that he’s looking for a drift partner for the first time in years and everybody seems to want the position. Even Heidfeld seems to have a new lease of life, actively supervising Lotterer in his search and allowing the envoy to use the training room to spar with his potential partners. Jev hates every minute of it. He hates watching Lotterer take down each and every partner he fights. They don’t predict his next move - that he always jabs with his left hand immediately after a punch to the jaw, that he sidesteps whenever the opponent attacks and takes a moment to determine his next move.  
  
“I don’t get it,” Jev says quietly as he and Lucas watch Lotterer spar with yet another partner. “Why is everyone so eager to try drift with this guy?”  
  
Lucas makes a non-committal noise. “He’s not drifted in years. Maybe they’re trying to prove that they can be the one to break that,” His glance on Lotterer lingers for a moment too long.  
  
“You aren’t - you aren’t considering it are you?” Jev says, his tone tinged with disbelief.  
  
“I don’t know Jev. Maybe it’s the sign I needed to move on with my life. I don’t want to feel like I could never get in a Jaeger again,”  
  
“But with _him_ ?” Jev asks, incredulously.  
  
“I get it, Jev. You’re not ready to move on yet. But I am. I will never forget Loic but I have to remember that I am still here. I have to live my life,”  
  
Jev can’t argue with that.

* * *

  
Lucas isn’t compatible, it turns out. He comes the closest to matching Lotterer, but he’s not 100% drift compatible. Lotterer looks disappointed at the news- the list of people left to try is a very small margin by this point. Lucas has already breached the question with Jev, but it’s a firm no. Jev isn’t ready to drift with anyone and certainly not with someone like Lotterer.  
  
However, time is not on their side. A category III kaiju emerges from the Breach and damages the sea wall, weakening the main support structures within. Jev watches from the sidelines as Antonio and Robin and Mitch and Alex are sent to deal with the situation, his lip caught between his teeth.  
_  
_ _“I want to drift with you,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Sam looks shocked at the revelation._ _  
_ _  
_ _“What?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I want to drift with you. I don’t want to spend my whole life wondering if I made the wrong decision,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I thought you’d never ask, Jean,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Shut up, Bird. I might change my mind,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Please don’t,”_ _  
_ _  
_ “You look deep in thought,” A familiar voice breaks through his thoughts - a voice that Jev knows to be Lotterer’s.  
  
Jev stiffens slightly as Lotterer sits down beside him, his hands dropping from the dog tags that he didn’t even realise he was holding. “You know,” Lotterer continues, “I used to hide up here when I was training, it’s how Benoît first found me.”  
  
“How can you talk about him? Doesn’t it-”  
  
“Hurt? Of course it hurts. But sometimes, the easiest way to accept what happened is to talk about it.” Lotterer says. “But I’ve had time on my side as well to deal with everything that happened to me,”  
  
“I just-” Jev pauses for a moment. “I don’t-”  
  
“You don’t need to explain,” Lotterer’s voice is soft.  
  
Silence brushes over the pair for a moment. “Look,” Lotterer says, straightening up. “I know you don’t want to drift but I was wondering if you’d like to spar again,”  
  
“Why?” Jev asks in confusion.  
  
“Because everyone today went easy on me, like they were trying to impress me,” Lotterer says. “You’re the only person I fought in a long time that didn’t see me as the authority, that just saw me as a sparring partner,”  
  
Jev glances into Lotterer’s bright blue eyes, remembering the first time that they sparred together, the first time that he’d felt something again. “Okay,” He says thickly. “Okay,”

* * *

  
Jev finds himself standing opposite Lotterer in the training room, wearing a pair of loose fitting pants. He’s not sure what possessed him to agree to sparring with Lotterer, who stands before him wearing a similar pair of pants and a wry smile on his face. His hand is wrapped around the bō staff that he wields on a regular basis.  
  
“Ready, Vergne?” Lotterer asks, smirking.  
  
Jev merely smiles back and moves forward, his hand closing around the bō staff. He expects it to feel wrong, almost alien but it doesn’t. The wood feels warm and welcoming under his hands. He spins it around a few times as he and Lotterer begin to circle one another. Neither one wants to make the first move.  
  
Lotterer eventually yields, surging forward. But Jev anticipates his movement and dodges to one side, bringing down his bō staff to shield from Lotterer’s attack. Lotterer’s eyes widen slightly at Jev’s actions for a fraction of a second before he twists the staff away, deflecting Jev’s rebounding shot. Jev smiles as Lotterer’s staff swipes up to push his shot out of the way. Lotterer tries another angle - moving his staff in swiping motions. One of his shots barely misses the side of Jev’s face as he tries to push the Frenchman to the limits of his ability. Jev knows his next move - a well executed kick to the back of the knee. Jev dodges the kick, making Lotterer falter for a moment. A smile brushes over his face as he seizes the moment to attack.  
  
He brings his staff down once more but Lotterer seems to anticipate his next move, bringing his bō staff in front of him in a protective stance. Jev growls under his breath, twisting his body slightly and bringing down the staff again but Lotterer blocks it again. The wry smile is back on his face as he presses against the pressure of Jev’s staff.  
  
_“C’mon Jean, you’re better than this. I know you can beat me,”_ Sam’s grinning face melts away into Lotterer’s determined ones, blue eyes stay the same but the hair grows shorter and darkens ever so slightly. “You’ve been watching me, Vergne,” Lotterer says as he continues to push against Jev’s staff. “But you shouldn’t base your fighting style purely on what you’ve seen before,”  
  
He pushes forward, destabilising Jev and forcing him to the floor. Jev groans in pain as Lotterer’s weight pushes itself on top of him, the bō staff pushing against his throat. Lotterer grins widely as he sits atop of Jev’s chest, looking down in triumph. “You put up a good fight, Vergne. I see you’ve been watching me. But in the end, you have to develop and change to win,”  
  
Jev grunts in annoyance as Lotterer presses the bō staff further against his neck. “But you knew every move-”  
  
“You’re predictable,” Jev mutters.  
  
“Only you would think so-” Lotterer begins, only to be cut off by Heidfeld’s commanding voice.  
  
“Vergne, my office now,” His tone is authoritative, he’s not playing around. Jev sighs heavily.

* * *

  
“What the hell was that about?” Heidfeld snarls as Jev sinks down into the chair.  
  
“We were sparring,” Jev growls back, his tone defensive.  
  
“You anticipated his every move, Vergne. Hell, I haven’t seen you do that since-”  
  
“Why does it matter?” Jev asks, his tone tinged with hurt and anger at the mention of Sam.  
  
“It matters, Vergne, because you’re the only one who could drift with Lotterer. Everyone else is incompatible,”  
  
“We clearly need to test more people because I’m not-”  
  
“I’m not telling you Vergne, contrary to what you believe. I’m merely asking you to consider it,”  
  
“Very well, Sir,” Jev says, standing up. “Will that be all?”  
  
“I mean it, Jev,” Heidfeld’s voice softens a little. “Just think about it,”  
  
So he does. He disappears off to Sam’s grave, slumping down by the gravestone. His hand traces over the inscription that he’s read a thousand times over.  
  
_Sam Jamie Bird_ _  
_ _9.01.1987- 18.08.2019_ _  
_ _A dearly missed brother, son and friend to all_ _  
_  
Jev hated it. He hated that the stone told nothing of Sam’s ability to make him laugh, of the things he did to cheer him up, of how talented he was when he stepped foot in the Jaeger. The stone was boring and grey, ordinary, everything that Sam was not. It reminded him that Sam wasn't here anymore.

“I sparred with another guy today, Sam. We sparred before but it was different this time-" he pauses for a moment. “I don't know Sam" His fingers brush over Sam’s last name. “I don't know if I'm ready. I wish you were here to tell me if I am making the right choices,”

As expected, he's met with silence. “I miss you so much,” He whispers. “We should have had longer together,”

Jev tries to remember Sam’s smile, his laugh, everything about him that made Jev grin. He remembers the way Sam’s lips felt against his own, the small whine that fell from his mouth when Sam’s fingers traced over his body. Drifting partners didn't always end up together - but there was something about the level of intimacy that made it inevitable. Giving yourself to somebody else mentally gave way to the physical side. “I miss being with you, Sam.” Jev whispers. “I miss your touch, your lips, everything-" A sob bubbles past his lips as he's met with silence.

His hand traces over Sam’s name once more as he closes his eyes, imagines what Sam would say.  
  
_“You know I believe in you,” Sam had murmured, his hand seeking out Jev’s. Jev remembers the warmth of Sam’s fingers curling around his own, the callouses of his thumb. “You can do this,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _It was their first night drifting together and Jev was apprehensive. He wasn’t sure if he could give himself up to one person completely. But Sam never said a word. He only smiled, patient and calm as they stepped into the test Jaeger. Sam’s hand found Jev’s once more, squeezing it as they stepped up to their positions. “It’s going to be okay,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _It’s going to be okay._ The words ring in Jev’s mind as he opens his eyes, wiping away the tears that he didn’t realise had fallen. He had made his decision. His hands find the dog tags, the warmth a everpresent comfort.

* * *

  
Jev knocks on Heidfeld’s door once, shifting from side to side as he chews on his lip.  
  
“Come in,” Heidfeld’s tone is brisk and businesslike.  
  
Jev tentatively opens the door and steps into the room, pausing at the sight of Lotterer standing before Heidfeld with a blank face.  
  
“Vergne,” Heidfeld says, raising an eyebrow at his presence. “I wasn’t expecting you,”  
  
“I can wait until you’ve finished?” Jev suggests, glancing between the two men.  
  
“No, no. It’s quite alright,” Heidfeld says, leaning back in his chair. “What is it, Vergne?”  
  
“I thought about what you said,” Jev says quietly. “And I have made my decision,”  
  
Heidfeld seems to gain a new lease of life at Jev’s words, leaning forward with dancing eyes. “And?”  
  
“I think I will try to drift-” He pauses to glance at Lotterer. “With Lotterer. There’s barely any options left to consider and-”  
  
Heidfeld’s face is hard to decipher, like a mask free from emotion but Lotterer looks shocked at the announcement. “You want to-?”  
  
“I will try,” Jev states. “But I am not promising anything,”  
  
Lotterer nods. “I guess that’s enough,”

* * *

  
Jev is nervous. He can feel the nausea building up inside him, eating away at his organs. He can hear the whispers, the constant buzzing that surround his name and his circumstances. He hears the stories they tell of the man who piloted the Jaeger alone for more than two minutes, who had his partner ripped away from him and survived. He grits his teeth as he hears Sam’s name, Lotterer’s name, his reputation, everything that he tried to bury and pretends that it doesn’t hurt.  
  
He steps into the room holding the Jaeger and feels his breath he was holding in brush out from between his lips in relief. He hasn’t been here in so long. His heart is pounding against his ribs, almost punching its way out of his chest. He feels like he’s going to pass out. His tongue is dry and his eyes unfocused as he takes heavy, slow steps towards where Lotterer - no, André, if they are potentially going to be drifting together, they should be on first name terms - was standing. André gives Jev a small smile as he moves to stand next to him.  
  
It’s strange to Jev to be inside a Jaeger once again. He feels the familiarity of the environment wash over him once more as the armour settles over his body. He spares a glance over to André, watching the twin set of armour close over his body and click into place.  
  
“Prepare the neural handshake,”  
  
The connection opens slowly - almost hesitantly - Jev feels the sensation of André’s thoughts attempting to connect with his own, it’s soft, warm, slow -  
  
But it’s too much. It’s overwhelming. Jev feels the panic grip his chest. André can feel his unease and reaches out further, trying to gently coax him out of the anxiety. Jev’s mouth feels dry, his body heavy as the machinery in front of him melts away. André’s form grows smaller before his eyes, shorter, stockier, his silver-black hair lightening to the sandy blonde of a certain person.  
  
“No, no,” Jev whispers as André’s face morphs into that of his dead drift partner. He doesn’t realise he’s screaming, tears falling down his cheeks, his knuckles white from gripping the controls of the Jaeger.  
  
_“He’s losing control!”_ There’s a voice in the background, he’s sure it’s Heidfeld’s but he can’t be certain.  
  
“Sam! Sam!” He calls out, his open hand pale and almost translucent in front of him.  
  
But Sam doesn’t respond. He only stares at Jev with sorrowful eyes. Jev feels his chest pull with guilt as he watches Sam turn his head. His heart stops at the sight of the blood painting his face, making his skin look even paler. He looks almost ghost-like.  
  
_“You said you’d never leave me,”_ He mutters in accusation, his eyes narrowed, the blood still dripping. “You said you’d never let me go,”  
  
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Jev whispers, not even feeling the tears falling down his cheeks by now, numbed by the sensations of pain.  
  
_Jev, Jev_ . His name is called as though through a veil. He sobs, his hands curling into fists.  
  
“No!” He screams out, his eyes opening to the sight of a bloodied Sam standing at the side of him, looking pained.  
  
_Jev. Jev. Jean!_  
  
But the voice isn’t Sam’s. Jev’s brow furrows in confusion. Is this real? It feels real.  
  
_“Jean,”_ The voice again curls away from the silence. But Jev doesn’t hear it. He gasps out, feeling the blood drip from his nose as he keels forward and everything goes black. He doesn’t hear André’s distressed calls or warm hands wrapping around his limp body.  

* * *

  
He wakes up disoriented and confused in the infirmary. André is sitting at his bedside, nose buried inside a novel, eyes roving slowly over the pages. Jev moves slightly, grunting at the pain that shoots through his body and André’s eyes immediately flicker over to him.  
  
“You’re awake,” He murmurs softly, too softly, as he closes the book. _Great Expectations,_ Jev notes.  
  
“What happened?” Jev asks, his voice dry and cracked.  
  
“We tried drifting earlier but it didn’t work. You nearly destroyed the Jaeger,” André says. “You were screaming Sam, like almost catatonic,”  
  
“I- I don’t remember,” Jev blinks once, staring at the envoy. “I don’t remember anything,”  
  
“It’s okay,” André says quietly. “It’s okay,”  
  
Jev worries his lip, his eyes actively avoiding André’s. But André remains where he is, undeterred by the silence, the book still resting in his lap.  
  
“Have you ever talked to anyone about Sam?” He approaches the subject head-on.  
  
“I don’t need to talk about it,” Jev mumbles back, still avoiding eye contact. “I’ve discussed it before,” Andre notices his hands close around the dog tags, knows that they probably belong to his previous drifting partner.  
  
“Clearly,” André replies in a tone of disbelief. “I get it, okay. You don’t have to pretend. We drifted, I saw some of your insecurities, your fears,”  
  
“You didn’t see anything,” Jev says in a guarded tone.  
  
“It’s okay,” André’s tone is calm. “You don’t have to act like I didn’t see it, Jev. I reached into your mind for a moment. I know what you think about Sam,”  
  
“You don’t know a thing about me,” Jev says, turning away. “I’d like you to leave,”  
  
André doesn’t answer. He sighs heavily, and Jev closes his eyes as he hears his footsteps fade away. The door gently opens and then closes again. Jev is left alone with his thoughts and the fear begins to once more creep in.

* * *

  
Jev is released a few hours later and told to rest, but he finds his way to the training room. He stops as he hears a series of grunts inside, the tell-tale sign of wood hitting one of the dummies. Jev retreats up to the viewing platform, careful not to be seen. André is shirtless, his muscled chest is heavy with sweat and shines under the harsh sterile lights. He reaches out, his back arching, his fists white from the exertion as the bō staff hits the dummy once more.  
  
He looks tired. Jev can see the dark circles under his eyes, the slight pale pallor of his skin. His jaw is clenched and his eyes are bright - with something that he cannot identify. The envoy looks determined, angry, his cheeks are flushed.  
  
Jev slumps against the corner as he continues to watch André fight against the dummy, his strokes becoming more and more sloppy, more out of touch. He remembers flashes of what he saw when André’s mind brushes against his own. It reminds me of Sam, of the way that Sam looked at him after they drifted for the first time. He looked angry, but not at Jev himself, but how Jev had been treated and the reasons for his sad memories.  
  
_“I never want to see you feel that way again,”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I’m sorry-”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault that those things happened to you,”  
_  
He thinks about what he saw in those few brief moments, the snatches of time as they occurred. The smile of the man that featured most prominently, that surely must be Benoît, the man that André was so deeply connected with. He looked happy, they both did - André looked so different from the man he is now.  
  
There were other flashes, flashes of Benoît leaning in, his eyes hooded - of a tall older man yelling in disapproval - of their first drift, hands brushing against each other, fingers slipping down underneath underwear, swollen lips brushing against one another, the same lips pulling apart bloodied, pale skin, promises to stay -  
  
“I know what you saw,” Jev gasps as he’s pulled out of the memory. André is leaning in the doorway to the viewing area, a towel draped around his shoulders. “I know what you saw of Benoît,”  
  
“Only flashes,” Jev says, folding his arms. “We weren’t connected for long enough. I’m sorry that you lost him,”  
  
“I didn’t lose him,” André says, leaning further into the doorway. His body language is so similar to Jev’s. “It’s complicated,”  
  
“You don’t have to explain,” Jev’s voice is calm and controlled. “I just...you probably saw my memories with Sam yourself and they’re pretty bad,”  
  
“I buried those memories of Benoît so deep,” André murmurs. “Even the good ones. I should remember him,”  
  
“You should remember him, but sometimes it’s difficult to do that,” Jev moves closer, his eyes locked on André’s. “You have to forgive yourself for what happened. He wouldn’t blame you for anything,”  
  
“You don’t know that for sure,” André’s tone is defensive. “You don’t know what happened,”  
  
“He managed to commit suicide. You still feel guilty that you didn’t do more, that you didn’t read the signs,” Jev says softly. “I understand it’s not the same thing as losing someone who didn’t plan to die but it still affects you in the same way. You still look at the side of you to say something to them before realising they’re not there. You still expect to see them walk through the door, to dial their number and not hear an answering machine,”  
  
“It is different. Doesn’t stop me feeling any less guilty for not knowing. He was my drift partner,”  
  
“Exactly, his drift partner. Sometimes we hide things from those we love so we don’t hurt them more,”  
  
“Is that what you did with Sam?”  
  
Jev worries his lip. “You should let go of those guilty feelings. You’re better off without them,”  
  
“You should take your own advice sometimes, Jev,” André says, a small smile brushing against his lips. He turns slowly, his hands tightening on the towel. “Oh, and thank you,” His voice is quieter, almost shy. “It’s the first time I’ve talked about it,”  
  
“You’re welcome,” Jev says, a smile curling over his own lips.  
  
He visits Sam’s grave later that night, spending a few hours just reflecting with his old friend.  
  
“I miss you. But I know you would want me to move on with my life, Sammy.” He says, tears brushing his cheeks as his fingers stroke over the stone. “And I really think I could,”  
  
“I love you, always have, always will,” He mouths, pushing a kiss against his fingers and touching the gravestone before he walks away.  
  
He doesn’t notice the figure watching him.

* * *

  
Jev feels a little lighter after that, a little more equipped to deal with the world. He asks André if he would like to spar. The older man looks surprised at the notion but he agrees. They end up sparring without weapons.  
  
“So I see you took my advice,” André smirks as he grabs Jev by his tank top. “Decided to stop being a miserable bastard,”  
  
“You can talk,” Jev says, dodging the punch that comes at his face. “Hey, I thought we agreed no face shots,”  
  
“We never agreed that,” André says. “But I’m glad that you finally removed that stick from up your ass,” He takes another swipe at the Frenchman.  
  
“Fuck you,”  They seem to harmonise, both still anticipating each others movements. They seem to flow together, like a continuous unit of cohesion. Every step is predictable, every punch can be avoided. However, Jev gets too sure of himself, and André is able to grab hold of his wrist, use his weight against him. Jev grunts as his back hits the floor, André pinning him down with a smirk brushing over his lips. But there’s something different this time, something different in André’s eyes. Time seems to stop still as André leans down, his breath brushing against Jev’s lips - Jev feels his heart pounding against his ribcage as André’s eyes fall closed -  
  
“Vergne! Lotterer!” Heidfeld’s voice cuts through the moment. The alarm blares out as the two men stare at each other, unable to comprehend what just happened.

* * *

  
The kaijus have attacked once more. This time, it’s more severe - Shanghai’s wall is close to crumbling and their government is once more relying on the Jaegers to save them. Jev watches Ant and Robin, and a mostly-healed Bruno and Nico suit up ready to deal with the immediate threat. He feels something tug at his chest as he watches them smile at one another. They join hands in the Jaegers for a moment to allow the connection to flow through them. Jev finds himself missing that moment, the flicker of belief that brushed between you both. He finds himself thinking of Sam in that moment, of how Sam had smiled as they’d stood side by side in the cockpit.  
  
He finds himself being watched by blue eyes, André suddenly appears opposite, still wearing his trademark smirk.  
  
Jev forces down the jealousy.  
  
Even when the two teams of the Andrétti and the Renault return a few hours later, exhausted both physically and mentally. Jev watches as Bruno carefully brushes his hand over Nico’s waist, how Ant’s hand finds Robin’s even after the neural handshake is disabled.  
  
“Not a bad day’s work,” André’s voice appears from behind him.  
  
“You know we can’t keep fighting forever, these Jaegers will fail eventually and the governments will have to face up to that,”  
  
“Yet, you miss being in a Jaeger. Anyone could see the way you watched the other teams,”  
  
“Don’t you have mission reports to write?”  
  
“I do, but as you say. We can’t keep fighting forever.” The way André says the words makes it sound like a double meaning. He glances at Jev. “So are you in?”  
  
“I’m in,” Jev says, unable to stop staring at the older man.

* * *

  
It takes a day or two to convince Heidfeld to let them try drifting again - this time in a real Jaeger. He’s not keen on allowing them the luxury of an actual Jaeger but André points out that it was once used by Jev and that it could respond better if Jev loses control again. Heidfeld finally relents but tells him both that they’re under strict supervision.  
  
Jev’s nervous as they both step into the Jaeger. His hands find the tags, to comfort him this time.  Jev feels the nausea twist through his chest as he steps up to the plate. His hands shake as the armour is placed onto his body, his eyes close at the sound of the drill, each rivet settling back into its place. The armour feels foreign against his skin, like it doesn’t belong. Jev takes a deep breath of air into his lungs, glancing to the side where André stands, the armour slowly pressing onto his bodysuit. André spares him a small smile as the armguards slot into place, the helmet placed into his hands.  
  
“Ready?” André asks.  
  
“I guess,” Jev says as in perfect unison, they slide their helmets on and let them click into place. The automated voice in his ear tells him that the data recorder has activated and the channel is open. Jev takes a deep breath as the cockpit comes to life, the buttons flash, the screen begin displaying all the data needed - he can hear the tiny flickers of electric, of systems booting up and it feels like home to him. He steps forward onto the drifting plate, the armour suddenly feeling heavy against his body. The restraints help with that though - as they tuck themselves around his armoured body to secure him in place, the controls moving up towards his shaking palm.  
  
“Engage pilot protocol,” Heidfeld’s clear clean voice cuts through the creak of machinery.  
  
Jev bites down on his lip as he feels the Jaeger’s main power supply to the chest switch on and begin whirring, the systems all finally online. André busies himself with their final checks as the doors to the entrance slowly slide open.  
  
“Remember, Vergne. The slightest discomfort and you tell me straight away,” Heidfeld says. “Engaging the neural handshake,”  
  
“Jev,” André’s voice cuts through Heidfelds. “Just let the memories go, just let them flow through you. Give them up, okay?”  
  
“Stay in the drift, got it,” Jev whispers as he closes his eyes, feeling the connection between the pair of them begin slowly and tentatively once again- Jev gasps as suddenly the memories flash before him, memories of Benoît once more clearer than ever before smiling at him, at Benoît kissing André against the wall of the facility - before it morphs into Sam smiling, Sam in bed with the sheets coiled around himself.  
  
Another flash - Benoît dead by his own hand, Sam with glassy lifeless eyes, Sam with blood running down his face -  
  
_“Jev!”_ The voice sounds so far away, but it sounds familiar -  
  
Jev blinks once as the memories seem to slow down, stop overwhelming him. He can feel André’s presence brushing against his own mind. He reaches out and pushes the memories towards André, lets them go, lets Sam go. It hurts more than he expected, to give up everything that he felt to another person, let André feel the pain that he did, but at the same time - he’s relieved. He shakes his head as he’s pulled out of the memories to see André’s face smiling at him through the helmet.  
  
“Neural handshake successful,” Heidfeld’s voice announces, and to Jev, that already feels like a victory.

* * *

  
“Jev, can I have a word?” André asks. He looks strange without the armour covering his body, softer somehow, anxious. 

Jev raises an eyebrow as the last of the panels are removed from his undersuit, his muscles crying out that the weight is finally lifted. “Can’t it wait until the morning, I’m really tired-”  
  
“I saw some of your memories, of you kissing Sam-”  
  
“And? What does it matter?” Jev asks, brow furrowed.  
  
“Do you still love him?”  
  
“I’ll always love him,”  
  
André sighs heavily, moving closer to him, his eyes searching for something that Jev can’t place. “Jev, you felt it, I know you did-”  
  
“Felt what?”  
  
André sighs. “You’re so dense sometimes.” He leans forward, closing the gap between them and sealing his lips on Jev’s. Jev gasps at the contact, as André’s hands fold over his shoulders, pulling him in closely. André’s lips are warm and soft against his own, he can taste something metallic in the envoy’s mouth -  
  
André deepens the kiss, his hand moving to fist into the back of Jev’s hair. Jev groans at the contact as André presses him against the wall, his lips connecting against Jev’s over and over again. Jev can almost sense all the feelings that André has bottled up over his time here - frustration, anger, lust, desire - they all fold into one, into André’s lips brushing against Jev’s. Heat curls in the bottom of his stomach, in his abdomen, snaking down his thighs.  
  
He feels alive again.  
  
He reluctantly pulls away from André, swollen lips smiling at one another as they bid good night. Jev can still feel the pull of André’s lips against his own, the curl of heat in his thighs that won’t go away as he walks down the corridor towards his room. However, he’s surprised to see the door already open -  
  
Tentatively, with furrowed brows, he pushes the door open - only to greeted with a sight he never thought he’d see ever again. A hand holding onto part of the dog tags that aren’t around his neck.  
  
Sam sits on his bed, bloodied, battered and bruised - his hair now shoulder length, his clothes a torn mess of mud and blood. He stares up at Jev, a smile blooming across his face.  
  
" _Jean_."  
  
“Sam, I thought, I thought-”  
  
“I survived. Forgot who I was, until now-” Sam says, his voice slightly creaky, as though he’s not used it in a while. He pushes himself up from the bed and moves towards Jev, his blue eyes drinking in the sight of his partner. “I’ve missed you,” He whispers, his hand brushing against Jev’s cheek, his smile fond.  
  
“I missed you too,” Jev murmurs back in shock, as Sam’s lips cover his own.


End file.
